Blog 26: The Return

Hello loyal, faithful individuals,

No, please don't re-adjust your glasses, this blog just made a more anticipated return than Derrick Rose returning to the playoffs this weekend. 

I just want to catch everyone up on the whereabouts of the blog and what has happened since. Now I have promised many a times that I will make this a regular thing, but due to my having a life, this will likely never be the case.  I will do my best to do what I do best and we all know that is basically anything and everything.  First thing on the agenda is for some reason this is Blog 26, and this is blog entry 28 somehow. I'm clearly bad at numbers. Oh well. 

Things have happened. Some good, some bad, some sad, some glad. I want to get the sad stuff out of the way first. RIP Grandma. You were and will always be the most important person in my life. I love you. 

The glad stuff: Some weddings happened, some babies happened, some fun stuff happened. While I am grateful for some of the people in my life, this is kind of boring, so I will move on. 

The other stuff doesn't matter either, all that matters is I'm entering and touching you via this blog post and entering and touching you is going to be the highlight of your life.  

I look forward of continuing the tradition of blog posts every 15 months or so. Was this blog worth the wait? Undoubtedly the only answers is not in the least. 

Enjoy your day!

Blog 25: Best of 2013

As 2013 winds down, it's time to look back at the hits of the year.  2013 certainly graced us with nothing but greatness and we are so lucky to live during this era.  So without further ado, let's take a look at the best of 2013!

Phone: Any windows phone

Choke job: 2013 Chicago Bears

Blog: A Day in the Life of Hungover Barbie

NFL Rookie: Geno Smith

Roommate: Bichael Borelli (See Blog 2 if you're confused)

Movie: Fast and Furious 6

Album: Reincarnated by Snoop Lion 

Artist: One Direction 

City in America: Detroit 

Bank: Chemical Bank

Ben Roethlisberger's Annual "Citizen of the Year" Award: Jameis Winston

Lesbian: Anyone not named Steph 

Phrase: Totes Adorbs

Trend: #hashtag

Those were some of my favorite categories and I would love to see your picks in the comment section of this wonderful, terrific and rarely updated blog!

I hope you all have the best 2014 you could possibly have!

Blog 24: How to Throw a Party

Welcome back to the best thing on the internet. This post will outline what you will need to throw a successful party. Now I've thrown 40943 successful parties in my life. With that being said, I cannot guarantee that your party will be a success but if you follow this guidelines, it will at worst be mediocre kind of like your life.

1. Be me. If you have the unfortunate luck of not being me then try your best. You will likely fail, but at least you can take solace in knowing you tried.
2.  If you're having a dinner party, make sure you have a dinner that people will like. More specifically, make sure it's something you will enjoy. It doesn't matter if your guests like it or not. It's your party. They didn't have to come.
3. If you are serving alcohol, make sure there is no Miller Lite, Bud Light, PBR, etc.. If you have any of that beer, you are not a good person and your mother loathes your very existence.
4. Make sure you have good music that people can vibe to. If you play FUN PERIOD, then no one will show up to any more of your parties. If you play Soilwork, then you will want to party on a boat in  March.
5. The most important aspect of throwing a successful party are the people you invite. This is the difference between you and I. If I had a party with 15 broom sticks, it would still be more entertaining than 98% of the people reading this party. That's how great of a host I am.

I cannot stress enough that if you follow these things, you are not guaranteed a successful party, so you can't blame me when you continuously fall on your face with your failure friends, failure music, failure beer and failure party.

I want to thank my OG followers along with my new ones as we continue this ride I'm taking you on.

Blog 23: Racism 101

First and foremost, this blog is Cornelius Wa approved (Reference Blog 13 if you're confused)

Unrelated: I just reread blog 13 and I am truly a genius for starting this blog.

When you think of racism, you think of Republicans. I get it. You're also not wrong. The subject of the latest post of this award winning blog is racism. We all love it. Some of you deny it, but you all love it. There are no better jokes than racist jokes. However, majority of you are reckless when you are telling the jokes. There is a way to be offensive, and there is a way NOT to be offensive when you're telling your favorite racist joke. I will be going the route of being offensive. To some, racism is described as "hatred". I wouldn't look at this post as "hatred", I would describe it you're being educated on how racism is not hatred. Enjoy.

I couldn't really think a way to start this, so I think I'll just give some jokes about each group of people. Sounds harmless right?

Why aren't there any Wal Marts in Afghanistan?
 Because there is a Target on every corner.

How do you blindfold an Asian
Use Dental Floss

What's faster than a speeding bullet?
A Jew with a coupon.

How come there aren't any Mexicans on Star Trek?
They don't work in the future, either

These are the more tame version of the jokes. I didn't want to get too mean believe it or not. 

As my viewership is expanding, I actually am trying to appeal to each and every one of my fans. At the same time, I like to make fun of things, so if I offended anyone, deal with it. 

Some final stereotypes facts about groups of people:

White: Eating disorders
Black: Enjoys Tyler Perry movies
Asian: Kills dog then cooks them
Jew: Not their own stand alone racial group, I will never understand why they are described as such. With that being said, they're cheap.
Latin-Loves to work construction. 

This was another great edition of Origins. I hope you all enjoyed my racism facts and I hope you all learned a little something here today. I certainly did. 

Song of the Day: Africa by Toto 

Blog 22: My German Friends/Frenemies

I wasn't going to do another blog for a while, but after looking at my stats and apparently, I have a German fan. Thanks for your support Lukas (most popular German boys name), however I would prefer that my fan from Germany is Hannah (2nd most popular German girl name).

I wanted to give you some fun German facts:

-Germans are very punctual. You will never find a German who is ever late for work, an appointment, a meeting, they are "always on time" like that hit Ja Rule song.

-Germans enjoy scheduling out their day. They use day planners like Christian's use bibles. If a particular activity is not scheduled, it doesn't get done. Bottom line.

-Germans love beer and sausages. They make good beer. If you are a person who thinks Bud light or Miller lite is good, then you're stupid. Broaden your horizons a little when it comes to alcohol. Spend a few extra dollars and actually enjoy what you're drinking. Germans make extravagant sausage, or so I hear.

-Germans love rules and also soccer (futbol). Germans aren't actually talented in real sports so they stick with soccer. I played soccer for 15 years, so it's ok for me to say that. Germans set rules because they like ruining everyone's life. Except for the making good beer part of life.

-Germany has one of the lowest birthrates in the world. Look it up, nerds. I'm right. Anyway, this proves they hate children. Children are our future, and based on most children I've encountered especially my next door white trash neighbors, our future is very bleek. I support the Germans when it comes to this.

I hope you enjoyed all these German facts. I had fun giving out their secrets.

My personal favorite German movie is Inglorious Basterds. What are some of yours?

One more thing, we need to touch on the elephant in the room regarding Germans.

-They hate Jews. JUUUSSSTTT kidding!!! Or Am I?

(Hold for applause) (Drops mic)

Goodnight.

Blog 21: The Best of 2012

Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

This blog is about the best things in 2012. I don't care if you agree, I'm right, you're not (if you disagree with me).  Let's get started, shall we?

Artist of the Year: FUN PERIOD.

Need I say more? Their name is FUN PERIOD. Cleverness.

Jerk of the year: Steph

If having cross jeans isn't bad enough, just talk to her for 1.34 minutes, you'll buy what I'm selling.

Party of the year: Any of the parties I threw except for the one in early December.

Song of the year: That will.i.am/Britney collabo. It's SOOOO great. will.i.am is like william and it's so awesome. LOL.

Swedish Metal Band of the Year: Soilwork.

Saying of the Year: Yolo. When 12 years old give me life advice, I love that it's "You Only Live Once". It's SO true.

Moment of the Year: Anytime I did anything.

News Story of the Year: When revolutionary music group, The Black Eyed Peas announced their hiatus. The Statue of Liberty shed a tear.

Social Media Site of the Year: WriteAPrisoner.com

Religious Group of the Year: Druze

Insurance Company of the Year: The General Insurance

"The Mal Twitty Insurance Agent of the Year": Mal Twitty

Movie of the Year: Battleship. Rihanna's big screen debut was a huge hit.

Store of the Year: White Hen Pantry

Man of the Year: Me

I had fun tallying all these votes and it was great time thinking about all the great moments and wonderful people that contributed to a great 2012. I can't wait for the Best of 2013 blog already!!!

Blog 20.5: Best of 2012

I'm back, bit, Steve.

I know we're a few months into 2013, but I will be gracing you all with the best of 2012, which was known as the Year of Peter.

Unlike Detox, this will be happening very, very soon.

Warmest of Regards,

PLob